escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
