I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
