I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
