I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
