I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
