New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
