I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
