Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
