Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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