I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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