Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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