does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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