She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
