That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Randomize
