I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
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You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
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Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
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