i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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