turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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