we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
