none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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