I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Randomize
