Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
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It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
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I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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