my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
