i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
