remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
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