He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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