im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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