it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
