Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
