when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
