just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
