i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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