By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
