If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Success! We fucked roommates!
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
