I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
