Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
