Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
