I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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