how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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