just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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