shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
