your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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