Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Randomize
