He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
