Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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