The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
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I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
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He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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