fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
