So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
