in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
being pregnant is like rehab
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
