I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
