If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
