When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I need to calm my uterus...
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
