I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
