Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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