Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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