first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
