Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
tell your sister to shave her snatch
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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